Im sitting here... reviewing some past journal entires...


i like this one. maybe thats sadistic... but while im sitting here listening to Craig David's "Rise anf Fall" (ft. sting!) i can do nothing but get depressed. so why not think about the words inspired from depression?

______________________________________

great. I guess this makes me an asshole... I told you I was didnt I?

two minutes ago I was on top of the world - I was happy, my and my brother were getting along the fireworks bombarded me in tremendous shockwaves that tore apart any leftover feelings.

now i have a fucking brick in my stomache.

how is it that the most wonderful person that i have met in my entire life - can so quickly - so efficiently - and so ruthlessly - destroy without so much as an afterthought?

I know im an idiot, a boring, ugly one. but lo, im teh great conversationalist, the chameleon among people - able to suave my words to shape them to hit the target.

pff! illusion gone babes! thats me

anyone can be who i was. who i am. who i will be: a great pretender.

but i was outplayed at my own subliminal, subconscious game. i lost. did i fall in love? oh, God, did i? dear God, did i?

again my words betray me; i dont wish harm. im not angry - im atrapado and maribundo and im so lost.

i am the sole victim of my own actions - she told me repeatedly afterall! 'i followed my heart' so it seems. perhaps thats why i left this tumultuous world of the more normal beings.

so it repeats itself, my life an unending succession of intimate failures.

my childhood, everyone, everything i ever knew, left me forever.

again
again
again
agian
again.

and again.

then fred. my confidant; my closest friend; the person i counted as my own; doppleganger. people confused us. people made us one. i loved him as much as i could ever love a friend.

i realized that didnt i?

and i left him. simple as that. a friendship broken by my own heavyweight past.

then katie - ah! the elan of Mother Mary herself. a beautifully tragic iconoclasm cataclysm. the splendor of magical thrill coursing through my mind. never my body - afterall - it is nothing barely living corpse - and a monstrous beast that churns its teeth against my skin - tearing and shredding - into a filmy red residue. white pus. revolting.

but i had finally found what i wanted - its easy when your vanity is discounted!

i am writing not through grief or mourning - ive promised myself that i will never do that, that i will learn, that i will move on, that i will not become a shell of a pitiful man even though it is his shell that makes me. and cast that persona off chris! what man are you? you hold high to your private impeta, your morals ingrained.

but its an easy thing when that is all you have.

and so this hermit seeks his shell.

another one. because... he loses everything anyway.
he has his abstractions: his math. his science. his logic. ambition.

but i am the uncontrolled, wild, impulsive animal, FRED. it isn't you, God im so sorry, its me.

it took me so long. so long to find out what i know now.
but i know. i know. i know, Godfuckit.

the vicious cycle will not continue.
draw the line here.
because i can see it.




and when you know... it makes all the difference.
thats what i learned katie. knowing. its not an AP word.

kupo. kupi. come please come... help me!

*&EFGWN(excerptfromapplicationschol( *WHW(*&SLDS


By far the most meaningful activity on the previous list – and in my life – would be my involvement in Drama. Beforehand, I was an extreme introvert - a recluse. By chance I joined with trepidation and anxiety. But that single timid step was the first in a quickening pace. My cliché ‘inner self’ was never showcased on stage; no, instead I had found a novel way to communicate. Things happened quickly thereafter – I soon found myself capable of normal human interactions. But that was wholly superficial; drama boggled my structured and defined life. I found, experienced, and thrived in this facet of human élan – one that was far beyond the rigorous framework of mathematics. I have kept trailblazing my own personal path, excepting nothing. I grew quickly socially; my mathematical prowess never dulled and leadership in both the Quiz Team and Math Team seemed to be a new adventure that I would tackle. The kernel of truth instilled by drama grew to encompass things that only a few years before I would have never imagined: I became involved in my community, and in art. I was thrust into a new life and I hit the floor running. But I never left my beloved logic; instead I found a comfortable duality between both abstractions. Overcoming that first hurdle helped me realize two trite truths: that there are always new realms of understanding and, second, that I will never stop reaching for them.



maybe in my entire life i will never love again. if i did even. but there will always be more to know- and lightens my dark face.

light on this face! you won't see the soft contours of youth - nor the age old crevasses of the ancients; you will see a horror my friends.

somethign went with this one children!
oh, just give him 3 grammes of somma and he'll be just fine says a sweet southern voice.


you helped me find the other side of my reality; both of you. i thank you. i will never regret it. ever. its the greatest gift...


people cant possibly understand how much joy my own sadness give me.

im the only one who has spent his life as a surgical independent being disparate from feelings.

i would rather this sadness - a thousand degrees of action: every ether of my skin slowly tearing-cell from cell - the dermis of my tongue ripping in a sudden movement- cough! up comes the blood, old chap! a rapid heartbeat crashing against the chest- your own veins collapse- an excruciating fissure in the skin. it starts to coagullate - but the pressure builds. it ruptures again and again - it dribbles. it rushes out. it gushes.

but the sullen genre too: a million dark thoughts encased in their own cute little black box: recording your thoughts, like a machine.

should i find a resemblence?

but you cant see this. it isnt sadistic! its freedom from my perpetual framework of reason!
i cry now. ive never done that.
but i learn, and i will never stop.

thank you God, i dont understand - but this twisted being of yours....[verb]


私を助& ;#12369;なさ い。